I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
