I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
