Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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