Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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