3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
