We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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