sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
