....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
