See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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