Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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