dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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