yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
