Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
