ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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