Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
