I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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