he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
