I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
