I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
