my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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