The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
