you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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