watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
