I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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