mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
