I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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