Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
