After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
