Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
