just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
