once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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