Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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