1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
