and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
