fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
