remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
