Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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