I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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