just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
