I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
