she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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