I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
