Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dear god my vagina.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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