when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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