someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
