is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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