He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
