I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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