Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
