I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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