Dual....:-)
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
